THE DARK SIDE

Where is the dark side? you may ask. It's the place you go to when depression gets you by the short and curlies. There's nowhere like it. It has a gravitational pull where the duvet on your bed weighs about 20 stone and you just have no motivation to do anything apart from beating yourself up and finding every negative thought you have in the grey matter upstairs.

Whenever I have been there I can never put my finger on why I have the thoughts. I look back at what I was like a few years, back before diagnosis and to be honest it's amazing that I have come out of the other side. Self harm and suicidal thoughts were a constant battle and happened quite regularly and I couldn't understand why. Always on the search for someone or something to blame but could never find the answer.

I am completely different now and that has all came down to acceptance that " I'm not wired up right" and that taking the tablets isn't such a big deal. Believe me though when I first got the tablets I hated taking them and didn't think they did anything - until I'd forget to take them for a couple of days and really notice my mood change. In laymen's terms my brain doesn't make enough of the right chemical and the tablets replace this. Simples. Don't get me wrong I didn't get a prescription for the drugs straight away I was completely against it. I first went on a psychodynamic therapy course of 12 weeks at the doctors, which worked great to put a lot of things to bed from the past when I was a kid.

What I am trying to say is you have to make the first step. I'm lucky to have an amazing wife that could see that I wasn't happy even though when asked the generic answer is " I'm Fine". Don't be scared to get help or ask for advice. I punished myself for years. All jazzyhands and smiley stu outside and then a mess when in my own company.

Dig deep, kick that duvet off the bed stick on some trainers and walk round the block. Set a positive goal for something in the future that is achievable.

BREAK THE CYCLE OF THE DARK SIDE

MALE PRIDE

I must have started and deleted this blog about 20 times now trying to put what I feel into words so I am just gonna do what I do best and say it as it is.

I have suffered with depression and anxiety for many years now. I'm not sure when it started, maybe I have always had it but it has been masked by other factors.  One thing for sure - It got worse as I have got older, when stress levels are raised by having more responsibilities. You may be asking what's the point in me shouting out? It's because for years I have been hiding behind bravado because of the stigma that is Mental Illness. The MALE PRIDE trying not to show weakness as a man, be the man of the house that is expected of a father or husband. I want to let other people know that it is okay to be depressed and to talk about it to lighten the load.  It's not just a matter of cheering up. The phrase  "You just need to cheer up" still rings around my head after it took weeks for the wife to convince me I needed to see a doctor and for me to sit there and dig deep pushing the male pride aside and relay the feelings I have had, still have and the dark moments; for him to take a deep breath look me in the eyes and say " you just need to cheer up " hit me like a bull hits a red flag. 

Its been a fair few years since that doctor and now I can feel the feelings and counteract them with positive stuff. Exercise and pushing my mind and body in different challenges is my way. There are 2 reasons for this.  1 being that the body releases the natural chemical endorphins when you exercise which gives you a buzz of importance and happiness.   The 2nd would be the commitment of a challenge and raising money for a charity keeps me focused and if you can get a world record like we did in 2011 even better.

When I have a low day the best way for me to destress is to get on my bike. Only a cyclist knows how a dog feels with its head out of a moving car. The wind in your face, endorphins rushing around your body creating positive thoughts, the wonderful view of the countryside on a summers morning and the coffee and lump of cake you will inhale half way through your cycle is a great feeling.

From the forthcoming blogs if I could make somebody feel that they can have a chat to their friends or pull themselves away from the 10 stone duvet that gets heavier and heavier as the days all roll into one, go for a walk around the block and do something active I will be a happy man. Next year is no different from the previous as we have a challenge set. We will be aiming to cycle from John O'Groats to Lands End in 4 days. That will be an average of 220 miles a day...so a lot time will be spent on the bike from now until Easter. This time round we will be raising money for the charity Mind and trying to promote Time to Change, who Mind also support to try and get rid of this stigma.

We need to get the stigma of mental health well and truly kicked into touch.