Small mans syndrome

I could never tell you when and at what point the depression started or the anxiety and to be honest when I felt the feeling of anxiety I just put it down to a dodgy turn like standing up too fast. The point when I really felt different was when I stopped playing rugby. I had played rugby from the age of 6 when my Grandad took me down to the local rugby team to man me up. Every Sunday morning in the lovely British winter was spent running round a muddy field chasing an egg shaped ball.
     As I got older my Grandads love for the sport had been past on and I became an alright player but I had developed small mans syndrome. This means if I was a dog I would be a Jack Russell. A little angry thing that was in the middle of any trouble on the pitch and the man that most forward hated. All my aggression and frustration that had developed in that week at school or at home was taken out in that 80 mins on a pitch. That's the great thing about rugby. Both teams can literally kick the sh*t out of each other but then be best mates mates once the final whistle has been blown.

Once I was injured and couldn't play the game again I started to change. Only looking back at it now I can see the change but I am told by my close friends and now my wife I did quite a lot. I was jumping from job to job blaming everybody else for the reason of leaving. 1 of my elements from the fire triangle I explained in the previous
post had been taken away and my fire was being extinguished. I couldn't face work, that duvet had become 10 stone and I couldn't talk to anybody because nobody understood. Or that's what I thought. If it wasn't for the love of the friends and family around me then the next step would not of been possible.

After doctors appointments and then a random conversation with 2 friends in the gym I was doing therapy and training for a challenge, The Arch 2 Arc. The longest and hardest triathlon in the world. Not only were we going to attempt to complete it but we were attempting to break the world record.

The fire inside had just been re stoked, Stu Baker was back in the game.

I'm not trying to tell you to book yourself in for the next world record attempt just to look at the bigger picture and the things that make you tic to make up that fire triangle. Have a routine or a plan that makes you happy. Exercise is the best medication for depression and anxiety and not used enough in todays society but that's another blog.

Look back and be honest with yourself, stop blaming other people for the way you feel. They might have something to do with it but they cant put it right only you can. Talk to people and find that person you can vent too so you can close those doors behind you and take the next pathway to a happier future.

Take care guys

The Fire Triangle

I have had an amazing 4 week break over the summer starting with an all inclusive week away in Portugal with my amazing wife and yes all inclusive, to us Brits means eat and drink as much as you can in the time you are awake to get your monies worth. It was a wonderful week to completely chill out from life stresses and enjoy the time in the sun chatting to the wife about random stuff, really it was mainly about cycling ;-) . After we got back from the holiday it was a quick turnaround and I was off to spend some quality time with my number 1. Which included beach hopping, adrenaline quarry, Flambards, seal sanctuary lots of pasty eating and then meeting up with old navy shipmates I haven't seen in years which obviously resulted in a wood burner and plenty of beer. I had a great time with the number 1 and it was good to talk for a few days filled with plenty of giggling. Good job she has my sense of humour!! Yet again as soon as I returned form Cornwall it was down to Somerset to spend time with the younger 2. Swimming, Crab fishing which ended up catching an eel which to a man who is scared of snakes freaked me right out which followed with plenty of park action. The evenings again ended up much the same as Cornwall catching up with shipmates drinking & talking to early hours and then sleeping on the sofa.


The trouble is during those 4 weeks there were many days that I forgot to take my tablets which isn't a problem every now and again but a couple of days missing mixed with lager consumption is not a good mix. I had an amazing 4 weeks off spending time with people I love but there were a few dark days amongst that and was very hard top pull myself together put a smile on my face and get my jazzy hands out. Essentially its all my own fault and drink is probably the worst thing for someone who experiences depression and anxiety. At the time you feel great and I can deal with the hang over the next day but its the grey matter upstairs playing tricks on you.

Can you remember the fire triangle they taught you at school with oxygen, fuel and heat being the sections of that triangle. If you take one of them away the fire dies. I tend to work exactly like that said triangle but replace oxygen, fuel and heat  with Sleep, healthy eating / drinking and exercise. Take any of those away or mess about with one the flame tends to run a bit weak. So its all about balance and everything in moderation.

All good now and looking forward to getting my teeth stuck into work moulding and shaping the future of young people. Back on the bike, less drinking and a clean diet will be good for the mindset and I have started volunteering for the charity Time to change. This charity is awesome. The whole idea is to kick the stigma of mental illness and the way to do that is to educate people.

Did you know that 1 in 4 people within their lifetime will experience some form of mental illness. that's a massive number if you think about. Also suicide is now the biggest killer for men aged between 20 - 49. This number needs to come down. Why should mental illness have the stigma attached to it. Why can we talk about cancer so freely and not depression. Why do people need to whisper when someone is acting a bit differently.

All it takes is to start talking about our experiences and share stories and let people know that its okay to talk about it. People that you may have heard of have spoken about their past. Stephen fry, Ruby Wax and Frank Bruno are just a few names that back this charity and have experienced some form of mental illness. Take a look at the website and maybe make a pledge yourself.

www.time-to-change.org.uk





Take care guys and catch up with you soon.

THE DARK SIDE

Where is the dark side? you may ask. It's the place you go to when depression gets you by the short and curlies. There's nowhere like it. It has a gravitational pull where the duvet on your bed weighs about 20 stone and you just have no motivation to do anything apart from beating yourself up and finding every negative thought you have in the grey matter upstairs.

Whenever I have been there I can never put my finger on why I have the thoughts. I look back at what I was like a few years, back before diagnosis and to be honest it's amazing that I have come out of the other side. Self harm and suicidal thoughts were a constant battle and happened quite regularly and I couldn't understand why. Always on the search for someone or something to blame but could never find the answer.

I am completely different now and that has all came down to acceptance that " I'm not wired up right" and that taking the tablets isn't such a big deal. Believe me though when I first got the tablets I hated taking them and didn't think they did anything - until I'd forget to take them for a couple of days and really notice my mood change. In laymen's terms my brain doesn't make enough of the right chemical and the tablets replace this. Simples. Don't get me wrong I didn't get a prescription for the drugs straight away I was completely against it. I first went on a psychodynamic therapy course of 12 weeks at the doctors, which worked great to put a lot of things to bed from the past when I was a kid.

What I am trying to say is you have to make the first step. I'm lucky to have an amazing wife that could see that I wasn't happy even though when asked the generic answer is " I'm Fine". Don't be scared to get help or ask for advice. I punished myself for years. All jazzyhands and smiley stu outside and then a mess when in my own company.

Dig deep, kick that duvet off the bed stick on some trainers and walk round the block. Set a positive goal for something in the future that is achievable.

BREAK THE CYCLE OF THE DARK SIDE

MALE PRIDE

I must have started and deleted this blog about 20 times now trying to put what I feel into words so I am just gonna do what I do best and say it as it is.

I have suffered with depression and anxiety for many years now. I'm not sure when it started, maybe I have always had it but it has been masked by other factors.  One thing for sure - It got worse as I have got older, when stress levels are raised by having more responsibilities. You may be asking what's the point in me shouting out? It's because for years I have been hiding behind bravado because of the stigma that is Mental Illness. The MALE PRIDE trying not to show weakness as a man, be the man of the house that is expected of a father or husband. I want to let other people know that it is okay to be depressed and to talk about it to lighten the load.  It's not just a matter of cheering up. The phrase  "You just need to cheer up" still rings around my head after it took weeks for the wife to convince me I needed to see a doctor and for me to sit there and dig deep pushing the male pride aside and relay the feelings I have had, still have and the dark moments; for him to take a deep breath look me in the eyes and say " you just need to cheer up " hit me like a bull hits a red flag. 

Its been a fair few years since that doctor and now I can feel the feelings and counteract them with positive stuff. Exercise and pushing my mind and body in different challenges is my way. There are 2 reasons for this.  1 being that the body releases the natural chemical endorphins when you exercise which gives you a buzz of importance and happiness.   The 2nd would be the commitment of a challenge and raising money for a charity keeps me focused and if you can get a world record like we did in 2011 even better.

When I have a low day the best way for me to destress is to get on my bike. Only a cyclist knows how a dog feels with its head out of a moving car. The wind in your face, endorphins rushing around your body creating positive thoughts, the wonderful view of the countryside on a summers morning and the coffee and lump of cake you will inhale half way through your cycle is a great feeling.

From the forthcoming blogs if I could make somebody feel that they can have a chat to their friends or pull themselves away from the 10 stone duvet that gets heavier and heavier as the days all roll into one, go for a walk around the block and do something active I will be a happy man. Next year is no different from the previous as we have a challenge set. We will be aiming to cycle from John O'Groats to Lands End in 4 days. That will be an average of 220 miles a day...so a lot time will be spent on the bike from now until Easter. This time round we will be raising money for the charity Mind and trying to promote Time to Change, who Mind also support to try and get rid of this stigma.

We need to get the stigma of mental health well and truly kicked into touch.